Take a deep breath...now pull your act together.

As I stood there and listened to him tell me how much I suck at life I fought back tears. Why again am I hearing this? Thoughts rolled through my head as he continually mentioned the fact I am pessimistic and that I am not joyful enough. Thoughts of possible reasons why I am that way? Thoughts on how do I make it better? Thoughts of not ever being good enough and perhaps when I took the career assessment class in high school and it told me to be a bus driver and I thought, no way...but what if it was right?

I've struggled all of my life with not really ever feeling like I was good enough. I mean, I finished high school in the middle of my class. I didn't really apply myself in college either...perhaps I could have done better or maybe I was trying to mask my stupidity. Of course, I was never the pretty girl either and day in and day out that is still a struggle for me. Sure, I am made the way that the Lord made me but it doesn't seem to be good enough for the people surrounding me. I mean, why does he make some out to be so asthetically pleasing while the rest of us get to sit back and watch? I look at myself now and I think, well, it's the way I look...too bad world, you deal with not being ok with the way that I look. But how do I change the rest of me?

How do I change the part that doesn't, can't, and won't please everyone? The thing is...I don't know how to be happy doing things that I don't want to do. I didn't realize that it was so bad until everyone drops the bomb that I suck at life...really? Tonight I wanted to throw in the towel...I wanted to be done with ministry. Not because I thought he was wrong...but because he is right and I don't know if I can make it. I don't know if I have what it takes.

As I drove home the tears started to fall...mostly because I was telling myself that I had this coming and I'm not cut out to do this...for most of the ride I WANTED to cry and then I yelled at myself to cry...that's when the first tear fell.

I have ten more months in the position that I currently hold...after that, I don't know what I am doing. I want the next ten months to be spent giving it the good old college try...actually...I want to try more than I did while I was in college...but you get the picture. I need to reinvent myself...revise, renew, rejuvenate, and possibly realize...what I may realize...well, we will see.